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Disclaimer: "Okay, I'd like to know who wrote this stupid passage so that I can sue him or her. Wait -- she said she wasn't affiliated with the companies in any way and wouldn't make any profit from this. Now THAT's tolerable."
Phew, thanks for talking, Peter.
Rated: PG for implying language (I'm strict, I insist)
Genres: Humor, Parody and Strong Alternate Universe
Characters: Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Gandalf, Elrond, Bilbo, Aragorn, Arwen, Legolas, Gimli
Pairing(s): Not applicable (Though Legolas/Gimli and Frodo/Sam are stronger)
Summary: Very traditional, typical setting. Rivendell residents and visitors are learning slashy "rumors" about themselves through modern technology.
Warnings (don't all parodies should have it?): May be slightly offensive to some people and contains mild spoilers.
"Damn it," Lord Elrond slammed the laptop cover in frustration, "Why I just can't get into that website?"
"What website? " Arwen approached and asked, handing her father a drink.
"Nothing, darling," Elrond replied; it had been some years since he had bought a laptop and installed a wireless network in Rivendell. Lord Elrond was always keen on leading the trend -- for, simple, he should always be No. 1. Now a wireless network wasn't really anything to be show-off, nor was visiting websites to get information. No, there was something more fashionable.
"I am trying to get inside the White House and destroy the invaluable documents. That should be interesting."
"Oh Dad," Arwen gasped in disbelief, "You are trying your hand in an erotic website?"
"No, not Whitehouse.com, but Whitehouse.gov! You silly girl." Elrond presented a knowing smile, "The White House? I don't like the look of it. Dull color. I prefer cherry yellow. I wonder what the White House is. Something very interesting is going on there. Some battle that no battle in Middle Earth is a match for it. The White House must be some kind of an important and evil machine because the folks on the Internet say destroying it will stop the world from spinning. I do want the world to stop spinning. What kind of spinning can it be? I don't practically know the world is spinning but it surely gives me a headache!"
"I can't believe it!!!!!" Somebody cried in misery, "These people -- these people --"
Every one in the library looked up and saw Merry pointing at his computer screen; he looked shocked and terrified.
"What's this, slash fiction?" Frodo looked, "What does that mean anyway?"
Calmed down a little, Merry said in trembling voice, "I was just surfing, and, well, just to satisfy curiosity, I typed my name and Pippin's in 'Google''s search engine and I found -- I found --"
"Good heavens!" Pippin shouted at the screen, " 'Pippin carefully took Merry's hand and used another to caress his rosy cheek, saying, "I love you, Merry"'? I mean, I do love you, Merry, but that is totally different!"
The thrown stone caused multiple sorts of reaction. Merry looked flustered; Frodo looked sick; Sam looked red; Aragorn and Legolas began to search; Gimli posed a sneer; Elrond sighed knowingly; Arwen smiled; Gandalf, on the other hand, leisurely took out his smoking pipe.
"That sounds amusing," he said, feeling safe from those "scandals", luckily I'm an old man so no one would be interested, "So 'slash' stands for pairing characters of the same gender?"
"Gandalf, you'd better come!" Pippin called, "We are obviously at one of my fan clubs and -- you should look what they say about you and me!"
Gandalf jerked and rushed to the screen.
"Just because of that damn crystal ball?" Gandalf inhaled sharply at the words, "Why -- how did they --"
"What, Legolas and me?" Aragorn's jaw fell, "I prefer female, I have to say, and I already have two girlfriends (both difficult to deal with) I can't bear more --"
"Well, I guess that's the reason they unite us: Aragorn's girlfriends," Arwen had taken out her laptop and read, "Hmm, Arwen slash Eowyn, NC-17, PWP, Love in Sunlight, well I would like to know..."
"I advise you not to, Lady Arwen" said Legolas, his voice shaking, "You will throw up as I just did -- especially not NC-17 or PWP."
"What do 'PWP' and 'NC-17' stand for?"
" 'NC-17' stands for 'kids under 17 are not admitted'," Gandalf explained, using Google to search for potential answers, "and 'PWP' stands for 'Plot, what plot' or 'porn without a plot'."
"You mean a story without a plot?" Merry asked in astonishment.
" 'Without a plot, it (under most circumstances) merely contains graphic sex.' Kind of popular among slash readers." Elrond read the on-line explanation aloud.
"That's amazing," Merry said, referring to the story Pippin and he were just reading, "A story without plots -- I mean, it isn't really a story, it is just a piece of writing -- can be so long."
"Rather a piece of junk! Shut down that window!" Frodo yelled at Pippin, "You are not going to read that!" He grabbed Pippin's hand and tried to take control over the mouse.
"Why not?" Pippin protested, throwing himself into a boisterous fight with Frodo, "I am over 17, even over 28 --"
"Age-does-not-necessarily-count-into-maturity!" Frodo sneered loudly, "Especially in your case, Master Peregrin! Shut that machine down, Merry -- it's -- it's disgusting!" He finally sat on Pippin's back, whose face was facing the floor.
"I agree," whispered Sam in a low voice; he was reading a fiction about two pairs of bright eyes (one pair were abnormally large) twinkling at each other, one slimy arm and a slender, so-called "gentle-hobbit's" arm being glued together on the way to some dangerous volcano, "It is disgusting."
Merry's eyes scanned from the screen to the sight before him then said loudly in Frodo's direction, "Ewww, gross."
"What's wrong?" Frodo demanded worriedly, "Why aren't you turning that machine down and getting it out of Pippin's reach?"
"I'm sorry, Frodo," Merry's expression was twisted, "Just your sitting on Pippin's back reminds me of some story materials."
Frodo's face paled, and he finally realized that everyone in the area was staring at him unknowingly.
Gandalf shook his head almost sympathetically; Elrond groaned in awe; Sam's face saddened.
"C'mon, Frodo, I haven't come of age." Pippin grinned an evil smile; Frodo felt like digging a hole.
"I don't think you will ever have." Snapped Merry, somewhat indignantly.
Frodo stood up, pulled Pippin upwards, and asked Merry irritably, "I don't get it, Merry, how that reminded you. I mean, those slashers won't mistake a fight for something else, will they?"
"You know, Frodo, they are trying every means -- truly, every possible means, and some of them are even impossible -- to get their characters bed each other." Merry shrugged, in a one-plus-one-makes-two tone.
Raged by his cousin's remarks, Frodo decided to let out his emotion towards another cousin, by beginning his routine scolding, "Mark my words, young Pippin, you should not read such writings. What do you think you are doing? Education? As an example, being the Great Ring Bearer, I haven't done this kind of useless reading throughout my noble life --"
"Mr. Frodo," said Sam in a hurt voice, "You ought to read this. I think that explains something."
Without a question, Frodo leaped to Sam's side.
"Huh, Gollum slash me? Gandalf slash me? Gimli? Legolas? Aragorn? Elrond? Bilbo? -- Rats, how long is this list?"
"I didn't know that you have such feelings for them," Sam said tearfully, "Well I guess I might as well just stand aside and...watch."
Frodo felt desperate and tried to clear the mist.
"Sam, can't you see the noting? These are fictions, which means the incidents don't exist."
"But we are fictional characters. Does that mean they really exist in our world?"
"We are official fictional characters," Frodo explained patiently, "that makes the difference."
While Sam was processing Frodo's words through his simple mind, Frodo leaned forward and tried to turn off the machine, but his fingers refused to obey instructions. He involuntarily clicked on a Frodo/Sam story. The pair began to read together.
"Unbelievable." Legolas drew backward, "They truly have the gift of creativity and imagination, but they have wasted it. Those are pure rubbish."
"Then why are you reading it?" Gimli, who was the only person who succeeded in resisting the desire to read, laughed at Legolas. Seeing Gimli's eyes, Legolas blushed and turned, going on reading. Gimli couldn't suppress the temptation anymore; he took a seat opposite Legolas, and took out his laptop as well.
Aragorn threw his laptop cover closed. "I gave up," he declared angrily, "I couldn't find a single moving story between my wife and me."
"Why am I not surprised?" Arwen responded coldly, "You are seldom at home. Staying with your friend and steward -- Faramir? Therefore those people can come up with this romantic story. 'Things you've got to do when your wives are on vacations or two men are on a business trip'." She followed the lines and made a sound of revulsion.
Aragorn's mouth corner distorted, "I assure you, sweetheart, that I am equally dismayed."
"Yeah, sure." Arwen turned her back on her husband; Aragorn muttered, "Women. This world is sick. I have to carry out something -- say, a governmental act -- to ban such thoughts and writings once I get back to Minas Tirith. Violations will lead to lifelong prison life. Hmm, sounds pleasantly powerful and horrible. Dictatorship. I love that thing. A true king wields it. Damn, I should have gone to college. Maybe I would have become the president of Soviet or something. Caita (elvish word for 'shit', see footnote for details), I don't know what Soviet is."
He managed to get Arwen, who rejected getting contact with this man, out of the library.
"Thank you for raising the issue," Elrond lowered his body towards Merry and smiled out of true appreciation, "I know and have always hoped that they could some day break up."
"Like what Celebrian did to you?" Gandalf, being the matchmaker for the left couple, snorted. Elrond became annoyed and decided to concentrate on his work.
Just then, a destructive blow landed beside Frodo, missing just inches, and the missed target jumped in horror from absorbed reading.
"Bilbo!" Frodo attempted to fake a happy face and failed completely, "What a pleasant surprise!"
"I've heard the truth." The older hobbit hissed those words out of his gritted teeth and took a terrified Frodo by the collar, "What were you and Samwise doing in Bag End? What have you done to my beloved Bag End?" Others decided to remain mute before the face of this furious hobbit. Old men could be devastating.
On hearing those words, Frodo's face reddened but soon recovered, "My dear Bilbo," He smoothed, "you won't believe those ridiculous arrangements of words, will you?"
"You know what the Gaffer says, (Why are you NOW listening to the Gaffer, Frodo moaned in his mind), 'Where there's a rain, there is a rain cloud', and I'm here to drag out that cursed rain cloud into daylight!"
Frodo couldn't think of anything to defend himself, physically or mentally. On this point, Bilbo continued to scream, "You little bastard! You don't know how terrible it means to me! I have taken care of you since you were still an unwanted hobbit-boy! But WHAT did I get? Nothing! You never return my caring, and you even never care about MY feelings! You spoiled my heritage, you irresponsible legatee-ass! Doing such things in BAG END, in MY bedroom, profaning us Baggins' legacy! And I am not cruel. Once, that's okay. Twice, that's forgivable. But for COUNTLESS TIMES...in THOUSANDS...oh, you male tart, always seducing people to --"
"Mr. Bilbo!" Sam cried, as Bilbo in his fury was about to use his walking stick to knock down the stunned Frodo unconscious, "Mr. Frodo didn't do anything illegal in Bag End, HONESTLY!"
"Then how come Bag End is the primary location of such dirty business?" Bilbo inquired heatedly and strictly, but tone softened compared with the previous.
"I dunno," Sam blushed severely at Bilbo's question, "I dunno how such ideas occur to them. This is absolutely silly."
"See, Bilbo," Frodo told him triumphantly, "Please put down that stick and let go of me -- I mean, mercifully loosen your hand, will you?"
Bilbo left, suspiciously.
"We have been luckier than those hobbits in those stories," Gimli looked at Legolas across the table, smilingly, "Fangorn, Helm's Deep, Lothlorien, the Lonely Mountain, Mirkwood and even Pelennor! Multiple choices of atmosphere. Sadly, we didn't take any of those opportunities."
"Then this should be good news for you, then. You have forgotten where we are, Gimli," Legolas said, eyes flashing mysteriously, "Rivendell."
"Did I tell you how kind you were when you grab me out of snow on Caradhras?"
"And don't you forget your holding my waist during our horseback-riding so that I wouldn't fall off on the road to Isengard."
"I love you."
"And I you."
"Shall we move to somewhere else, together?"
"Oh I'd love to."
They took their leave, holding hands, ignoring others' existence.
Sam gazed at the couple, then turned to Frodo, with a longing that made Frodo shudder.
"Please Sam -- Bilbo may be watching." He begged.
Pippin was trying to draw Merry's attention, while Gandalf was still reading silently by their side.
"Merry, why aren't you looking at me? I think those stories do have some kind of effect on me, you know what, I think I can think more clearly."
"You have never thought clearly enough," Merry insulted; nevertheless, Pippin decided to carry on.
"I think those authors do know my inner feelings and desires more than I do. Shocking yet pleasing, isn't it?"
"Pippin, to be a person of your kind, is to be alone. And mind you, you ARE alone."
"Merry, if you don't find the way, no one will."
"There is no other -- damn, I mean no way."
"Why Merry, you are embarrassed. Your face burns. It's hot."
Merry rolled his eyes under Pippin's piercing stare. "Get away from me, I beg you, you gay-butthead. Take your dirty hands off my face. Frodo is right; you shouldn't have read those. You are too easy to get influenced. For God's sake, Frodo, where are you when I need you most to get rid of this guy?"
"He is discussing important matters with Sam." Pippin answered, "Oh wait, they are dragging each other closer -- GOSH, their lips get STUCK TOGETHER!"
"I am leaving," Merry sighed, standing up from his seat, "Thank you for the laptop, Gandalf. Um, yeah, and one more thing," He said quietly in Gandalf's ear, not letting Pippin hear him, "Bring me some Lothario Spray next time when you go to the shopping mall in the Long Lake Town."
Epilogue
Elrond was still trying to get into the White House, even his eyes hurt and it was already 2 a.m. Suddenly he heard movements. A shiver ran through his spine as he looked around in the dimmed-lighted, quiescent library.
"Am I starting to hear things?" He said to himself, trembling a bit.
"Damn damn DAMN," he thought miserably, "Should I fear darkness! I am Lord Elrond and should I fear darkness!"
Cursing silently, he went on working.
"K1z9opL...wrong, curse you, Sauron...K1z9opM...still wrong, shit...K1z9opN...Man, I will never stop the world from spinning! And stop my ass-kicking headache! I should do something else to divest myself of it! Why don't I, say, write some fanfiction, starting with the following beginning: 'Damn it,' Lord Elrond slammed the laptop cover in frustration, 'Why I just can't get into that website?'..."
Footnote: Aragorn was using Sindarin elvish in this passage. Another elvish phrase he and Elrond used frequently was rhach ha, which means, "Damn it".
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